Top 10 Ways to Prep, Hope, and Cope w/ Family Holiday Parties
The 2024 holiday season will be here before you know it - and with it: more time spent with family. We at Orange County Therapy hope that increased time together with families and friends is full of warmth, fun, and merriment. We also understand how challenging it might be at the dinner table when unwanted comments about recent political changes and heated social identity issues get passed to you with a side of gravy. We are here to help, with our Top 10 Ways to Prep, Hope, and Cope with Family Holiday Parties.
This guide is here to help you navigate some of the holiday social interactions that may come up.
Common Holiday Party Dilemmas
Before we get started with those helpful recommendations, however, let’s take a moment to face the most common potential fears that we might face when stuck in close quarters with your fam:
POLITICAL CONVERSATIONS
With the recent 2024 election, the political climate has heated up significantly…and unwanted political talk might set fire to your best attempts to keep conversations cool, kind, and caring.
JUDGEMENTAL RELATIVES
While it can be great to catch up with family you haven’t seen for a while, the potential for unwanted or unwarranted comments about you runs high during the holidays. Direct or passive aggressive comments from a parent or sibling might (unfortunately) be the norm in your family; or…THAT relative corners you to comment on your physical appearance, career, romantic relationships, identities, etc. These judgemental conversations can get highly concentrated during gatherings like this and be highly damaging to your self-esteem and self-worth.
SOCIAL ANXIETY
Many of us feel anxiety in large groups, and the holidays can feel like a pressure cooker with extra helpings of added energy and social pressure in one confined place. Feelings of being trapped; a lack of control over personal space/boundaries; and the desire to escape are just a few common experiences that social anxious folks may experience at an increased intensity due to feeling obligated to be present because “it’s for the family.”
“THAT” FAMILY MEMBER
Many times, a bad holiday party experience can come down to a single family member or family friend. They can exacerbate all of the previous fears we’ve listed above. Those fears can be highly triggering, increase those anxious feelings and sometimes increasing the need to self-soothe by drinking or using substances. Sometimes, that same drinking or substance use can be the reason they’re being extra judgmental, off-color, or straight up rude. Meanwhile, you may feel trapped by your own desire to be polite or “not ruin the party,” which usually guarantees the party is now ruined for yourself.
ARGUMENTS
Whether your holiday family gathering is with five, or five dozen people, emotions can run high and arguments can break up what should be the pleasant soundscape of seasonal music and laughter. Whether you’re directly involved with the raised voices and anger, or you’re across the room witnessing it with others, these can be intense, triggering experiences - especially if you’ve experienced family-related trauma or abuse in your past.
TOP 10 WAYS TO PREP, HOPE, AND COPE
The first five are all about preparing BEFORE the party even begins! While we all hope that this will be the “perfect” party with the “perfect” vibes, we have to accept that we can only control ourselves, and not others. Below are five great ways to do just that:
1 - GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP
Having good sleep hygiene has been proven to increase your ability to regulate your emotions and energy levels, so try to get seven to eight hours of sleep the night before the gathering(s). Try to turn off any screens at least thirty minutes before bedtime, and try not to eat within three hours of drifting off either.
2- FOCUS ON YOU before the party
Holiday gatherings, by their nature, can cause you to expend lots of mental and emotional energy on others, and this can lead to feeling drained or wiped out. Try to take some time for yourself the morning of the gathering, or at least in the days leading up to it:
Hobbies that add joy to your life.
Watch your favorite comedy comfort movie or show.
Mediation and other mindfulness techniques can help to “empty your cup” so that there is space for the increased emotional energy at the party.
Read some genre fiction for some healthy escapism.
3- GET ACTIVE
Exercise can help reduce stress and depression by releasing more dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin into your body. Working up a sweat in a way that you love can help level your emotional playing field. This can be the difference in feeling like your holiday party is a less like a 100-mile ultra marathon, and more like a pleasant walk in the park.
4- MEMORIZE YOUR LINES
Using the “Common Holiday Party Dilemmas” above is a great guide for this one! Go through each one, adapt it to the corresponding situations in your family gathering, and then write some basic responses to those dilemmas that help you to:
This first one might be challenging, but embrace your most emotionally mature self and right down just ONE positive affirmation about any “problem” individuals at your holiday celebration. Trying to find the positive in others, even those we don’t always love being around, can put - and keep - you in a more positive, creative, solution-focused mindset.
Proactively START conversations with others: being proactive with potential problem starters can help you set the pace and tone of a conversation, while also reducing anxiety by constantly avoiding someone’s attempts at unwanted engagement. Use some of those positive affirmations you created in the bullet point above!
Redirect the conversation to something positive: Bringing up shared interests or asking questions about the other person are great options - people love talking about themselves!
Politely, but firmly, set boundaries: if you feel triggered, insulted, ashamed, or offended, have a response prepared that can end the unwanted line of conversation: “Aunt Jane, I can see how excited you are to talk about the recent election, but I have decided to keep politics completely out of my holiday celebrating this year. I’m happy to talk about (insert topics from “a” or “b”) with you, but otherwise I’m going to go see what the kids are getting into.”
5- PICK A PARTNER
Don’t go it alone if you can help it! Many are lucky enough to have family members that they trust and can be vulnerable with. Even if you don’t, a supportive, loving friend with a phone is a great option too. Talk to this trusted individual and offer a partnership before the gathering so you’re both aligned on the plan. Try to stick together as much as you can (this can prevent feeling cornered/trapped), and when you can’t, create a signal or safe word that you both can watch out for, then gracefully sweep each other away to “help mom with something,” or “check on the kids playing outside,” or “go get more cocktail napkins.
The final five of the Top 10 are where the rubber meets the road. If you’ve done some prep work from the first five, this will be a piece of…well, whatever your favorite holiday dessert is. You’ve got this!
6-RELY ON YOUR SCRIPT
Hopefully your family is as sweet as your hot cocoa, but just take 5 minutes to look at your prep work before heading into the party. Example of some of your prep work could be: Conversation Starters, Redirections, and Boundary Statements. Anxiety can reduce greatly when you feel prepared, so no need to improvise - just stick to the script!
7- TAKE A BREAK - SERIOUSLY
Creating physical space between you and a triggering situation can work wonders. Stepping outside for some fresh air, finding a quiet/private place to take some deep breaths, or even a quick walk around the block can help you stay grounded and calm before heading back into the merriment.
8- STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
Stick with your partner or safe relative whenever possible! This can help reduce social anxiety, reduce the chances of being caught off guard, and increase your chances of sticking to your script. If the worst does happen and you’re the victim of an unwarranted argument or insult, ask your partner for an open ear and a shoulder to cry on while you both take a break. Of course, this should go both ways - make sure and be a good party partner in return!
9- PACE YOUR DRINKING or try being sober
Many holiday gatherings follow the old adage of “eat, drink, and be merry,” but try to eat enough food and drink plenty of water in between drinks. Alcohol can loosen inhibitions and accentuate emotional states but it can come at a cost. While alcohol might feel like an escape from the anxiety and tension of triggering individuals, too much could contribute to undermining all the self-care and preparation you did beforehand. In the past year or two, being sober or sober curious has started to become more normalized. Some of the reasons being sober during the event can be helpful are but not limited to: driving your own car to the event and leave at your choosing, feeling good the day after (no hang overs), and alcohol is a depressant so there is less that can cause you to feel down the next day
10- HAVE FUN!
It sounds cliche, but do your best to go into your next holiday gathering with the mindset that a few bad apples don’t HAVE to spoil the bunch. All of the steps above are really there to help you maximize your merriment. When you reduce the fear of being “trapped” in an unpleasant situation, you can focus on all the potentially great parts of the holidays: warmth, kindness, generosity, and yes, even family…as complex and challenging as they can be sometimes.
Conclusion
If there’s one shiny ribbon that wraps up the Top 10 Ways to Prep, Hope, and Cope with Holiday Parties this year, it’s this: Set realistic expectations. Even if you follow this list to a tee, it doesn’t guarantee THEY will change their behavior for the better. What can change for the better is your sense of empowerment and control over YOUR holiday experience. You can walk away from this year’s festivities feeling less anxious, less angry, and less resentful - which can improve next year’s holidays as a major bonus! Plus, you can walk away with increased self-worth and a healthy dose of pride - because you loved and respected yourself enough to prepare in advance in the hopes of a happier holiday, and coped with challenging family members in a healthy, mature way with your head held high.
The team here at Orange County Therapy hope you experience as much warmth, joy, togetherness, and support as possible while you celebrate this year!
At Orange County Therapy, we are dedicated to helping you find the perfect therapeutic match. Our team is here if you decide that you need extra support during the holiday season. We offer both in-person and virtual therapy sessions to accommodate your needs and preferences.
Ready to take the next step toward better mental health? Contact Orange County Therapy today to schedule your free 15-minute initial consultation. Don’t wait—your mental health is worth it.
Content Creators & Authors: Joseph Marzola & Emily Mayot
